The journals of some1 that is missing and is alone [entries|friends|calendar] missing_n_alone [ userinfo | livejournal userinfo ] [ calendar | livejournal calendar ]

WOW ITS BEEN FOREVER SINCE I WROTE IN HERE... [28 Oct 2005|08:29pm] ok so its been forever since i wrote in here and i am thinking of actaully not really using this LJ ne more but just as LJ layout ideas...the one i have up now is something i got from Leah...she was helping me with July and i couldnt pick btwn 2 so she gave me the licks to this one and she just left the other one up on July so i am going to leave this LJ opened to LJ layout ideas...ill just try and mess around on my own and figure out different things so i dont have to keep asking for help all the time...but yea... later going to see SAW II YEA... I LOVE BRANDON!!!! ~Noodles~ Come Back!

[22 May 2005|05:57pm] </a></font></strong></a>yourox_mysox101  </a></a>sisterhaist </font></strong></a></font></strong></a>yourox_mysox101  </a></a>forgivenlove88 </font></strong></a></font></strong></a>crakerjackchik </font></strong></a></font></strong></a>ckret_crush PLEASE REMOVE MY NAME FROM UR FRIENDS LIST...CUZ AS OF RITE NOW WE R NOT FRIENDS....THANK U... Come Back!

sick [21 May 2005|03:02pm] [ mood | sick IM ABOUT TO DIE... ] [ music | the dead and silance of the dead library ] im sick rite now and i hate it...im at the township library rite now and its so boring here im hungry and im sick and i hate it...i cant find ne thing still for my paper i am thinking that i am going to call my mom soon and have her come and get me...cuz i dont think that staying here is doing ne good...the comp that i am on SUCKS it takes about five minutes to load everything and if i write swear words it turns them into DOTS...and its annoying...i brought a water from home with me and it is almost gone and i dont really feel like getting up...cuz i dont want some1 to take my comp...even tho this one sucks...i dont even kno if there r ne more at all...its jsut GRRR...i am about to say F*CK this project and not do it at all...and i just dont kno what to do or say ne more about ne thing...but yea...i dont kno...i hate this project...i hate being sick...i just want to DIE...i really do... but i think that b4 i leave i am going to go through the DVDs that they got here and see what movies they have here...and if there r ne good movies i might get some cuz i can see a sign that says that u can keep them for 3 weeks...so i just might get some idk...lol...but yea im out PEACE AND CRACKERS ~*Stephanie*~ Come Back!

did something really stupid tonite [08 May 2005|12:16am] [ mood | cuz i want Eric 2 talk 2 me... ] [ music | SAD FRIGGIN DEPRESSING MUSIC WHAT ELSE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! ] ok after me and my mom dropped Jesse off at her house after seeing the movie HOUSE OF WAX...we decieded to go and drive by Erics house...dont kno y but we do...and as soon as we get to his street i freak...and as soon as i saw his house and we werent even near it...OMG I FREAKED EVEN MORE...i saw his car...and i looked at his room to see if there were ne lights on inside...and his BLACK LIGHT that he always had on was on...and i FREAKED...i was like OMG HIS IN HIS ROOM and i tried to look to see if i could see him but i couldnt...and the weird thing is when we drove but it the first time the shade was down...and then when we went to turn around i couldnt keep my eyes off his house i just kept staring at it and staring...and then we go around the circle thing and we drive past his house (to leave the nieghbor hood)...and the shade was OPENED PART WAY...and i looked and i thought that i saw him...but i didnt...it was just his backboard on his bed...but as we drove around the circle i told my mom to turn her lights off and i asked her "can we just sit here for a few minutes...so i can stare at his room and just THINK?" and she is like "no its late were going home...im tired"...but as soon as we drove past his house and we couldnt see it ne more i put my hood up and i just put my hair in my face and I STARTED TO CRY...i was just SAD...and happy at the same time cuz i got to see his house again...and just be near him...but i was crying cuz i was remembering all the times me and him shared...THE LAUGHS...and THE FIGHTING...EVERYTHING...and when i got home i was talking to leah...and she was sad cuz of PRICECHECK...and were talking...i was trying to help her and sh*t but in return i HELPED MYSELF a little bit i think...and she helped me too...IDK what i am doing to do about Eric...I LOVE HIM ALOT WITH ALL MY HEART I DO...and LEAH LOVES PRICECHECK WITH ALL HER HEART TOO...BUT THEY DONT SEEM TO GET IT AND SEE IT AND UNDERSTAND IT...at all...i just miss him so much...i just want to hug him and kiss him again...and just be able to lay on his bed next to him watching some stupid movie that i could care less about and just be there with him next to him and FEEL SAFE KNOWING THAT ME AND HIM R TOGETHER...Leah said to me and a few other ppl that she loves Pricecheck and she wants to spend her life with him...and she can she herself with him in the furture...WELL THATS WHAT I CAN DO WITH ERIC...for the past year and a half now i have been thinking about going to the NAVY for medical...cuz i want to become a nurse and stuff when i get older...and then i met Eric and he said he wanted to go to the AIRFORCE...well i knew that if we stayed together and we both went to the AIRFORCE or the NAVY we would be with each other and see each other better if one of us went to the AIRFORCE OR NAVY...and then i found out that he wanted to go to the NAVY instead...and i thought OMG THIS IS EVEN BETTER...but the thing is I NVR TOLD NE ONE THAT I WANTED TO GO TO THE NAVY FOR MEDICAL...i didnt make a 85% decision until alittle after school had started b4 i went out with Eric...and i knew that if i told ppl after i went out with him that they would think that i am doing it to be with him and follow him...WHEN I AM NOT...IM DOING IT FOR ME...but i dont kno...my point is if i do go to the NAVY who knos that might give me and Eric another chance...who knos the only person that knos is GOD...and i dont really believe in GOD until times like these... but i g2g its late and i want to go to bed...SO I CAN CRY MY SELF TO SLEEP WITH THE BEAR I GOT FROM ERIC AND LISTEN TO SAD MUSIC FOR HOURS LAYING AWAKE CUZ I CANT FALL ASLEEP CUZ I AM CRYING TO MUCH... IM OUT PEACE ~*Stephanie*~ p.s dont bother commenting cuz no one comments me ne more...so there is no point in commenting me ne more cuz no one does...l8erz 2 Hope You Come Back!

havent wrote in awhile [04 May 2005|07:58pm] [ mood | ok im not to sure ] [ music | missing by AMY LEE ] ok here is an update... -I AM STILL SINGLE...but i have done some hook ups tho...lol -im sure by now everyone knos about me and the guy that i hooked up with in daytona... -but what everyone doesnt kno about is that i almosted hooked up with this kid Dave...also knos as Ben...lol...he is friends with Joey...the only thing that we really did was flirt and we held hands at one point but that didnt last cuz Joey saw and got pissed... -and then there is this kid James...i almosted hooked up with him and Jesse did hook up with him...but me and James were flirting alot...and then at one point he did kiss me on the check and i thought that it was cute... -but ne ways moving on...I AM STILL FUCKING GOD DAMN DEPRESSED FOR SOME REASON...i dont kno y...but i am... -the other day i tried to get Bryans attention by posting an entry to him and no one else and i wanted him to call me so i could ask him something... -i mean i would have called him myself and all but i was busy ripping apart my room for hours on end -and i had a break cuz we just ate dinner and my mom wasnt done yet so i got online and wrote it thinking/hoping that he would call me so then i could talk to him adn ask him what i wanted to ask him... -cuz if some1 called for me when i was cleaning i was aloud a 5-10min break so i could talk to them...and so i asked him if he could call me cuz i wasnt able to call him... -and then after i got complelty done with everything i got back online and it is like 9:30 or something so i didnt have to much time to do nething... -and i got online to check my LJ to see if he posted a comment...and guess what HE DID... -and he got pissed cuz i asked him to call me... -and then i told him y i couldnt call him... -and he post another comment saying that he doesnt give a flying fuck what i had to do...and i just got pissed... -and then today i get online and he is online i didnt IM him rite away cuz he got off after like 5 mins. or something -and then he got back online and then i waited a little bit and then i IMed him and we started talking... -as of rite now i am pissed at him cuz he is being a D.I.C.K as my mom likes to put it... -and then i get off line after awhile and after like 2-3 hours or soemthing Jesse calls and i was talking to her and we started talking about Bryan... -she told me alot of stuff...im not going to say what cuz i promised i wouldnt say ne thing...but it got me thinking... -there is a 50/50 chance that everything she told me is true...and since there is a 50/50 chance the first words that popped into my head was WHAT THE HELL IS HE THINKING...im sry but i feel really bad for him if its tru...cuz some of it is really serious stuff kinda... -but hey the only ppl that really kno if it is tru or not is BRYAN... -o yea back to the whole hook up thing...i heard that this one kid at LOHS thought that i was hott or something and since he saw a pic of me he said that he would go out with me or something IDK...so for the past week or so i have been trying to get his attention so i could see him again cuz i have met him b4...i just havent seen him in awhile...and so on SAT Jesse gave me his cell # and i called him but he didnt answer...so i gave up on that...and i asked him what his s/n was on MYSPACE...and he gave it to me...and since i had it i IMed him one day and it went to his cellphone...and then he didnt respond to it until Mon. nite when i sent it on Sun or something...and then me and him started talking and then i gave him my # and he gave me his again since i lost it...and then i called him and we talked for about an HOUR and HOLY SHIT...did we talk...we both got something that we r holding against each other...i dont remember what he is holding against me but what i am holding against him is that he has to teach me to snowboard this winter...lol...but yea ok IM DONE HERE...IM OUT PEACE Come Back!

god hate ppl [21 Apr 2005|07:20pm] [ mood | pissed off cuz hate ppl.... ] [ music | missing by amy lee ] ok ppl suck balls so much rite now cuz they think that when one person acts the way they do around someone thats what there true feelings r for that person... what i mean is that my friend Jasper and me have our own BOND type thing rite... well the other day at youth group Jasper was there when me and Jesse got there... so i walk over to him even tho sarah is sitting next to him...DONT CARE...and i said HEY GIVE ME A HUG...or something rite...and i knew that he wouldnt do it rite away either...but he said NO...and i was like EXCUSE ME...and then sarah goes and says "O SNAP"...ok yea so he didnt give me a hug rite away BUT HE DID give me a hug after awhile...thats b/c thats what we do... god whenever Eric would bring Jasper over to my house and i went to go get a hug from him he would do the same thing...thats just how we r... and sarah goes and makes a huge deal about it rite...and then she just starts talking shit saying that Eric and Jasper hate me and shit...well if Eric hates me then how come he actually is the first one to say HI to me...and shit like that AND he told me that he didnt regret doing ne thing with me...yea he might say to his girlfriend I HATE STEPHANIE...and shit but HE DOESNT HATE ME...and there r times where he does think that i am annoying but he DOESNT HATE ME TO POINT WHERE HE WANTS TO STAB ME OR SOMETHING...and Jasper doesnt hate ME he hates SARAH...he even told me and Leah...he told Leah that he would rather have Eric go back out with me but since Eric wont rite now he would rather have Leah be going out with Eric...cuz he just hates sarah...and he told me that he likes me better than sarah...and he basically told me the same thing that he told Leah...SO THERE SARAH...he doesnt hate me he hates YOU... but i mean just other ppl to just in general...makes me HATE THEM...rite now just what they say about me...they will be like "o stephanie is this and that" and then i will just give them a look and then they r like "im kidding stephanie i dont mean it..." but they do and i kno they do...but the thing is I CAN ONLY TAKE SO MUCH OF IT...and rite now i am at my breaking point... as of NEXT WEEK i am not going to youth group until May 17th or May 10th or something either way i am missing atleast one day of YOUTH GROUP...im taking time off from all of it...and if all this shit is still going on by the time i go back I AM TALK TO LYNN ABOUT IT...and next week i am going to talk to Eric and tell him about all this shit...cuz its not rite...AT ALL... GOD...Jesse told me a story the other day when me and her and Amber and Ellen were outside calling to see if Ambers dad could take us home in the H2...Jesse told us a story about a guy she knew back in CALI...it started cuz Amber or Ellen said something about someone being a faggot or something...and Jesse said "please dont use that word cuz i knew a guy that got called that and he went crazy on everyone...he spray painted his school and shit and then he even tried killing himself...so please dont use that word cuz i take it offense after that" or something but the point is is that ppl make fun of other ppl to make themselfs look kool...but they can take it one step to far and make ppl hate themselfs to there breaking point...and they do something no one can think of but themselfs...well IM AT MY BREAKING POINT...RITE NOW...seriously...GOD ok today i took a nap after i got home rite...and this is rite after i read sarahs LJ and shit...and i kno i shouldnt let it get to me but some of it did...and then it was just everything else that has been going on lately that have been getting to me ALOT...and i just layed in my bed trying to fall asleep...but i cant cuz all i can think about is EVERYTHIGN THAT PPL HAVE BEEN SAYING TO ME THATS MEAN...and u kno what the wierd thing is some of the stuff was from like middle school too...and elementary as well...so yea i have been caring all this stuff with me for a long time...since like maybe 3rd or 4th grade and there have been times when i had other breaking points but after awhile it got better and i didnt do ne thing just threaten to run away from home but i was to wrong to do ne thing about it or try to run away from home...but now its different...I DONT KNO WHAT I AM GOING TO DO...but all i can find myself doing ne more is crying...or wanting to cry...but then what Frank told me the other day keeps popping into my head and i stop crying as much BUT I STILL AM CRYING... god damn y do ppl have to be so fucking cruel all the time...i kno that sometimes i can say some mean shit too...but thats after someone says something to mean...i am nvr the first one to be mean to someone else... but ne one answer this question for me WHY DO PPL BE MEAN TO OTHER PPL AND NOT REGRET DOING IT UNTIL THAT PERSON THERE BEING MEAN TO DOES SOMETHING LIKE SPRAY PAINT THERE SCHOOL OR COMMIT SUICIDE OR SOMETHING??? someone please answer me that question... 1 Hope You Come Back!

god i hate everything [07 Apr 2005|09:46am] [ mood | cuz i will nvr have a guy. ] [ music | white flag by DIDO ] god im soo fucking pissed.... i will always be alone...i will nvr have a guy that loves me for me...i will nvr get married...i will GROW UP ALONE... i say this cuz everytime that i am happy WITH A GUY...something happens... lets start from the begining Rob- happy then he went to JAIL... Derek- First time i did ne thing with a guy since Rob...was HAPPY and then i really dont kno what the fuck happened... Eric- happy then my parents and sister and teachers thought that i was a drug dealer and then i told Eric and he treated me like shit the rest of that DAY...he had been treating me like shit for the past few days so i broke up with him...got back together...and then BROKE UP 2-3 WEEKS LATER or something...and then shit started cuz he went out with Sarah... Bryan- HAPPY and it was the first time that i had been really happy since BEFORE me and Eric broke up the 1st time...and then i thought that he was cheating on me so we fought for about 2-3 weeks and then broke up and now WE R STILL FIGHTING... Josh- happy and the first time happy since i thought that Bryan had cheated on me...and i knew that i should have done ne thing with him but i did ne ways...and he leaves without saying a word so EVERYTIME I HAVE SOMETHING GOOD SOMETHING BAD HAPPENS WHAT THE FUCK IS WRONG WITH ME... AND NOW ROB MIGHT BE BACK AS IN GETTING CLOSER TO FINDING ME...GREAT...if u read my other LJ (leftalone4good) u will kno what i mean but u have to be a friend to read it...NE OF IT...sry peeps but i g2g ttyl bye Come Back!

dont kno what to do or feel ne more [22 Mar 2005|11:51am] [ mood | dont kno what to do or feel ] [ music | AMY LEE's MISSING ] my life sux so bad rite now i have been hurt way to many times in the past year and a half...i dont kno how much more i can take b4 i cant take ne more...me and bryan broke up yesterday and now cuz of it im so fucking god damn depressed ALREADY now its worse...i havent eaten NE THING really since yesterday at lunch which was 24 hours ago...but i did eat some icecream after school yesterday...and i had some ham to last nite (but not a lot) and then this morning i had such a bad stomache ache from not eating so i took some JELLY BEANS and eat some in 1st hour and gave the rest to Cory and Nate...and rite now im suppossed to be at lunch but i didnt go i stayed in class and since i was already on the comp i came on here to look at my LJ...yesterday Derek and Suzzie both tried to get me to hook up with this kid Jason...i thought that it was funny but then at the same time i hated it and thought that it wasnt rite cuz me and bryan just broke up...and so i got online yesterday after he left and i wrote in my LJ and then after awhile i made up a new LJ name which is what i have rite now...i mad it cuz I AM MISSING IN MY OWN BODY I DONT KNO WHAT HAPPENED BUT ITS NOT ME NE MORE ITS NOT THE ME EVERYONE KNOS AND LOVES...AND IM ALONE INSIDE AND IM GOING TO END UP OLD AND ALONE TOO and so i came up with this while listening to AMY LEE's MISSING...that song rite now descibes whats going on the inside rite now... so idk what to do ne more Come Back!

Missing [21 Mar 2005|07:35pm] [ mood | tired ] I am missing and all alone! 5 Hope You Come Back!

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